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Northern legislators form “Yankee caucus,” will file “the coast is toast” amendment shifting coastline to BR!

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toast

The upcoming 2009 fiscal session of the Louisiana legislature, which opens at noon on April 27, promises to be as rancorous as any in the history of the state.  This prediction is based on the plausible rumor that an extremely divisive constitutional amendment has been prepared for pre-filing by the noon deadline on 4/17.

This draft amendment is reportedly the work of several state legislators (presumably from districts north of Alec) who are said to be forming a “Yankee Caucus.”  

A highly suspected source within state government is quoted as calling this “The coast is toast” amendment.  She said that the proposed amendment would move the official coastline of Louisiana landward from its historic position almost to Baton Rouge.

The following resolution was received by LaCoastPost in an email forwarded by the secretary of an anonymous member of the Louisiana House of Representatives:

Whereas, beginning in FY 2017, significant revenues derived from oil and gas leasing and production in federal waters offshore Louisiana will accrue to coastal parishes under the Minerals Mangement Service Coastal Impact Assistance Program (CIAP); and

whereas, the science tells us that by the year 2020 most of Louisiana south of I-10 and I-12 will be under water; and

whereas, the previous whereas implies that the southern third of Louisiana will soon be mostly uninhabited; therefore,

We the undersigned petition the legislature and the voters of Louisiana to officially amend the Louisiana state constitution to declare that the official coastal zone of the state shall be shifted north approximately fifty miles.*

FLASH!!! Just before publishing, LaCoastPost heard another rumor that the upcoming legislative session will feature an organized effort to scuttle the “Coast is Toast” amendment.**  This counterforce is led by a brand new so-called “Rebel Caucus” of legislators from districts south of Sorrento.

Members of the Rebel Caucus are confident that the Louisiana coast is not threatened after all, based on scriptural passages including those quoted in a new YouTube clip that is circulating widely.  This amazing clip features US Congressman John Shimkus (R-Illinois) testifying at a committee hearing in DC that sea level is not rising – the Bible told him so!  

I’m truly thankful that Illinois gets to claim this guy.  

Len Bahr

*Insiders report with a touch of irony that, despite intense lobbying by many A&E firms, Shaw Coastal, Inc. in Houma has been promised a hefty surveying contract to establish the new coastline.

**Rebel caucus members are apparently confident that certain scriptural texts refute the “Buttered side down” corollary of Murphy’s law, on which they think “The coast is toast” concept is based.

Disclaimer: at time of publication (12:01 am on April 1, 2009) none of these rumors could be verified.

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  29. Len, it was good to see you at the Tulane Environmental Law Conference. I see that you have a great website here. You know that I am likely to post some outrageous comments once I have had time to study some of the things you have online (but then how would the world ever progress if there were not some of us with weird ideas lurking beneath very thick skins!) Oh, first comment: I think the April Fool Article "The Coast is Toast" is closer to being a reality than it is a joke (especially since I live on high ground, not north enough to be Yankeed, but the folks here do deeply resent money being spent on the Deathtrap New Orleans. They consider Brad Pitt's "rebuild" efforts in that city to be "bad parenting" because it draws the slaves and their children back into town for the next drowning episode. Orleans Denial cannot continue to rule. Mike Tritico

  30. I was completely had.

  31. Oh yeah, Escellent April Foolery!
    Of course we hung you today.

    I had dropped by today to see what you thought of Jo-Ellen Darcy, Nominee for Assistant Secretary of the Army (Civil Works). She doesn't show as much engineering as lots of wetlands policy issues experience.
    Would love to know your thoughts.
    Thanks you,
    Editilla~New Orleans Ladder

  32. You totally got me.

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  1. Thursday Coffee coffee coffee and more coffee - [...] take some nice plain toast today, thanks. Northern legislators form “Yankee caucus,” will file “the coast…
  2. Important coastal appointments: Woodka and Darcy | lacoastpost.com - [...] Northern legislators form “Yankee caucus,” will file “the coast is toast” am... [...]

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